Hurt
Nine Inch Nails
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make it hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
Nob 15, 2003
Nob 12, 2003
Tomorrow
Manana is not my favorite day of the week. This morning, I met this semester's students for the first time. I will peddle my wares again tomorrow.
I slept after the day's work and woke up early evening. There was still no electricity. I was cool enough though with my door and windows open to let the evening in. They also let in mosquitos. With red-peppered limbs, I set a couple of candles up on the desk and read Lu Hsun to the hum of a distant generator. This took about an hour.
I decided to walk before dinner despite the grumbling protest of my stomach. I took a walk to the gym where my co-teachers were dancing Filipiniana. They were practicing for a presentation for the students on the 19th. The movements weren't fine yet but the lithe bodies were clearly on the way there. I was proud of what I saw and I texted my other colleagues on my way to dinner. One of them asked me if I wanted to join. I said no. I thought and believed that I had two left feet. Both of them were cold. I didn't like texting cliches though so I just said that I was afraid to hurt my partner. This was the better truth.
Maybe no was too harsh. Maybe I really wanted to dance. Maybe I wanted something else of me to speak to the students. But what message would I send if I crippled a colleague under my clumsy weight? Sometimes, it is good to want. Sometimes, it is better to desire the suppression of desire. Therefore, no will serve.
I will dance my sales pitch tomorrow. I hope for surer footing.
Dinner is over and, after a while, this entry. In fifteen minutes, I will return to a dark room. My candles will be waiting for my flame. In that flickering light, I will return to Lu Hsun where I left him:
"For our chiefs then were against pessimism. And I, for my part, did not want to infect with the loneliness I had found so bitter those young people who were still dreaming pleasant dreams, just as I had done when young."
Manana is not my favorite day of the week. This morning, I met this semester's students for the first time. I will peddle my wares again tomorrow.
I slept after the day's work and woke up early evening. There was still no electricity. I was cool enough though with my door and windows open to let the evening in. They also let in mosquitos. With red-peppered limbs, I set a couple of candles up on the desk and read Lu Hsun to the hum of a distant generator. This took about an hour.
I decided to walk before dinner despite the grumbling protest of my stomach. I took a walk to the gym where my co-teachers were dancing Filipiniana. They were practicing for a presentation for the students on the 19th. The movements weren't fine yet but the lithe bodies were clearly on the way there. I was proud of what I saw and I texted my other colleagues on my way to dinner. One of them asked me if I wanted to join. I said no. I thought and believed that I had two left feet. Both of them were cold. I didn't like texting cliches though so I just said that I was afraid to hurt my partner. This was the better truth.
Maybe no was too harsh. Maybe I really wanted to dance. Maybe I wanted something else of me to speak to the students. But what message would I send if I crippled a colleague under my clumsy weight? Sometimes, it is good to want. Sometimes, it is better to desire the suppression of desire. Therefore, no will serve.
I will dance my sales pitch tomorrow. I hope for surer footing.
Dinner is over and, after a while, this entry. In fifteen minutes, I will return to a dark room. My candles will be waiting for my flame. In that flickering light, I will return to Lu Hsun where I left him:
"For our chiefs then were against pessimism. And I, for my part, did not want to infect with the loneliness I had found so bitter those young people who were still dreaming pleasant dreams, just as I had done when young."
Nob 4, 2003
Set 9, 2003
Little Green Man
Things are going very well here, if you should know. I make a living and have my fine moments doing so. I read my books and hear my music. It's not even all desk. The beer flows at times and afterwards the coffee.
I've been looking up at Mars because everybody tells me it's special to do so these nights. Sometimes they accompany me, sometimes I do it all alone. It's nice when the skies are clear and no streetlight or neon competes with the vision. They're trying to convince me that there's a tinge of red. I don't mind if I see only the untwinkling yellow. I remember reading Ray Bradbury and his vision of future life there. I look up and remember the movies made, Mars Attacks, Red Planet, and a bunch of forgettables. Total Recall. Do you remember which one we watched together?
I hope things are well with you too, wherever you are. All the best to you and yours.
I wonder how it is up there?
Things are going very well here, if you should know. I make a living and have my fine moments doing so. I read my books and hear my music. It's not even all desk. The beer flows at times and afterwards the coffee.
I've been looking up at Mars because everybody tells me it's special to do so these nights. Sometimes they accompany me, sometimes I do it all alone. It's nice when the skies are clear and no streetlight or neon competes with the vision. They're trying to convince me that there's a tinge of red. I don't mind if I see only the untwinkling yellow. I remember reading Ray Bradbury and his vision of future life there. I look up and remember the movies made, Mars Attacks, Red Planet, and a bunch of forgettables. Total Recall. Do you remember which one we watched together?
I hope things are well with you too, wherever you are. All the best to you and yours.
I wonder how it is up there?
Set 4, 2003
Ago 5, 2003
Aristotle asked "If the guardians aren't happy, who else will be?" I texted that to a friend and he said, the enemies of the state would be. Not in the long run, I countered. That was the prelude to my long answer that I prudently deemed uninteresting, as all my long answers are. Since all long answers will inevitably lead me to "check operator services," I will just post his more concise reply:
"disolv PMA. insted,evry HS grad wil b mand8d by law 2 serv 2yrs n d military b4 entring colleg.2yrs n d field.that wil dpoliticize d AFP n change cultur n d process.AMEN"
Well, what do you think?
"disolv PMA. insted,evry HS grad wil b mand8d by law 2 serv 2yrs n d military b4 entring colleg.2yrs n d field.that wil dpoliticize d AFP n change cultur n d process.AMEN"
Well, what do you think?
Hul 22, 2003
Malakas ang hangin dito, sinabayan pa ang sakit ng ulo ko. Hangin talaga, hindi masyado ulan. Parang yung kakaunting patak e namamawis lang ang hangin sa kakaihip. Kanina nga, binuksan ko pa ang payong para may saysay naman ang pagdala ko nito. Kaso e mukhang aagawin pa ng hangin. Kapag di mo pinakawalan, maaasar, sisirain. Kaya sinara ko na lang at pakiramdam ko Fred Astaire ako kaya lang hindi umuulan, bumabagyo. Wala na sa porma ang kwelyo ko. Pinabayaan ko na ring kumumpas ang mga dulo nito, walang saysay na ayusin pa.
Galit ako sa bagyong ito kasi kanina inaagaw yung atensyon ng klase. Pati yung mga print-out at attendance sheet ko hinihigop ng mga bukas na bintana. Parang pati yung mga salita ng lektyur ayaw pabayaang makarating sa klase. Katatapos pa lamang mamutawi, binabara na agad ng mga puno't dahong nagsisihampasan sa galit at ng mismong hangin, marahas na sumasagitsit sa pagitan ng mga sanga. May bayolenteng reaksyon pa yata sa mga pinagsasabi ko! Buti na lang, yung klase nagpapaniwala pa sa akin. Sila pa itong ayaw magprotesta, pinipilt ko na nga e.
Brownout sa faculty kaya di ko na itinuloy ang balak kong magtsek. Mainit sa loob dahil kulob sabay maririnig mo sa labas yung pagwawala ng mga elemento. Kaya ano opsyon ko, trabaho? Hindi na no! Baka bumaba pa marka ng mga kawawang nilalang.
Pauwi, naglakad ako, yung dating bagal, hindi ko na makuha pang makibagay sa mga elemento! Dumaan ako sa Carabao Park. Nabakli yung isang puno, hindi ako naabot, ilang pulgada lang sa harap ko bumagsak. Ewan ko pero nangiti ako. Mas gugustuhin ko pa atang bumagsak na nga lang sa ulo ko yun para mawala yung migraine. Yan naman talaga ang pinakatiyak na paraang matanggal ang hinayupak na sakit ng ulo na ito e. Tanggalin na yung ulo mismo.
Oks lang, tanggap ko na namang wala talaga akong mapapala dun. Inisip ko na magkukulong na lang ako sa kwarto, ano pa ba ang ibang opsyon? Pagkapasok, isasabit ang binugbog na payong, huhubarin ang polo, kwelyo, lahat. Tapos magtitimpla ng anumang mainit.
Galit ako sa bagyong ito kasi kanina inaagaw yung atensyon ng klase. Pati yung mga print-out at attendance sheet ko hinihigop ng mga bukas na bintana. Parang pati yung mga salita ng lektyur ayaw pabayaang makarating sa klase. Katatapos pa lamang mamutawi, binabara na agad ng mga puno't dahong nagsisihampasan sa galit at ng mismong hangin, marahas na sumasagitsit sa pagitan ng mga sanga. May bayolenteng reaksyon pa yata sa mga pinagsasabi ko! Buti na lang, yung klase nagpapaniwala pa sa akin. Sila pa itong ayaw magprotesta, pinipilt ko na nga e.
Brownout sa faculty kaya di ko na itinuloy ang balak kong magtsek. Mainit sa loob dahil kulob sabay maririnig mo sa labas yung pagwawala ng mga elemento. Kaya ano opsyon ko, trabaho? Hindi na no! Baka bumaba pa marka ng mga kawawang nilalang.
Pauwi, naglakad ako, yung dating bagal, hindi ko na makuha pang makibagay sa mga elemento! Dumaan ako sa Carabao Park. Nabakli yung isang puno, hindi ako naabot, ilang pulgada lang sa harap ko bumagsak. Ewan ko pero nangiti ako. Mas gugustuhin ko pa atang bumagsak na nga lang sa ulo ko yun para mawala yung migraine. Yan naman talaga ang pinakatiyak na paraang matanggal ang hinayupak na sakit ng ulo na ito e. Tanggalin na yung ulo mismo.
Oks lang, tanggap ko na namang wala talaga akong mapapala dun. Inisip ko na magkukulong na lang ako sa kwarto, ano pa ba ang ibang opsyon? Pagkapasok, isasabit ang binugbog na payong, huhubarin ang polo, kwelyo, lahat. Tapos magtitimpla ng anumang mainit.
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