An Occasion of Three Seams

Invalid Children's Exhibition by Norman St. J. Stevas. A moving and desperate occasion. One of the prize winners, sitting in his chair like a piece of crumpled-up paper thrown into a wastepaper basket, emits regular whoops of (I hope) pleasure. The pride of the parents, teachers and helpers in the achievement of their charges brings tears to the eyes.

Sir Hugh Casson
Diary entry
April 28, 1980

We know this chore. We take a vehicle to somewhere, thinking of a place that is neither the coming from nor the going to. We understand this moment: not being in three places at the same time. Especially poignant when something is happening in that place where the mind lingers. A birth for example, a wedding or a graduation. This afternoon, the latter, that all-important and futile exercise we call "commencing;" and call thus with some taste for the ironic and the fond. This afternoon, a particular batch - pride and bane both, house of my anger and my love - shall be destroyed before the steps of the Umali Theater. This familiar theme of mustard seed and rotting elephant: destruction, else nothing will grow. This afternoon too, after my sister returns from the seamstress, after my brother switches off basketball television, after my other other sister wakes up; I take that singular jeepney ride of at least three places. Despite the first idea of poignancy, there is a situation more notable: when something is happening in more than one of the three places. In more than three places really, so that only the vehicle is thought to hold everything together. Yet, if we do suspect such a center, we suspect wrong. Therefore, despite pride and memory, I attend to more solemn errands this afternoon.

Excuse Slip

Apologies, apologies! I cannot attend, am unable to come and be counted - my misery cannot entertain company, sorry - for I am depressed or performing depression, and I would rather watch a movie where it's cheap and I can sit out front where the eyes get violated by the hurt, vertigo all the more possible, popcorn or no popcorn, softdrink soft or no; I can view the film thrice and with all my method concentrate on a particular actress, beautiful but getting on in years such that there is a wrinkle between eye and nose; I can think - all I want - if it's genuine old woman leather or a prosthetic wrinkle. I will not always be this way. I will not always be this way.

Laptop

May laptop ako sa panaginip. Maroon ang kulay at kawangis ng katawan ng coleman ang materyal. May istrap ang laptop ko kaya maaaring dalhin na style backpack. Ito lang ang dala ko papuntang Santolan. Kailangang inspeksyunin ang laptop sa bungad ng MRT(7). Nakaaasar sapagkat kailangan kong magmadali. Tahimik lang ako. Pinsan ko ang guwardiya(10). Tinanong niya sa akin kung nais ko talagang sumakay. Sabi ko, oo. Kukuha raw kasi siya ng espesyalista. Pumasok siya sa opisina. Lumabas si Guingona at umupo sa turnstile. Gamit ang mga screwdriver at plais, binuksan niya ang laptop at ininspeksyon ang kada piyesa. Sa susunod na eksena, nagpupusoy kami ng pinsan ko sa hardin sa Odiongan(15). Nakasando siya, saudi gold sa leeg at daliri, at pantalon at bota ng militar. Magiliw kaming naglalaro(19), naghihiwa ng manggang hilaw, at nagmumurahan.

Mga sipi:
7—Kinabahan ako sa bahaging ito, marami akong inisip na excuse sakaling may makita sila.
10—Patay na ang aking pinsan. Hindi siya kailanman naging sundalo o guwardiya. Hindi na umabot ng bente kuwatro, sa pagkakaalala ko.
15—Isang beses lang ako nakabisita sa hardin na ito. Hindi pa ako nagtagal noon, sinamahan lang ang aking ninang na magyosi. Ngayon ko lang natandaan ang isang panaginip sa Romblon.
19—Hindi ko alam kung sino ang nananalo. Okey lang kung siya. Panaginip ko naman e.

Static

Panaginip ng videoke. Malaki ang makina at walang tigil ang kanta at inom.(3) Hindi ko maalala ang imahe sa makina. May away na mula pa sa unang panaginip ko na hindi ko maaaring isulat. May dalang barena ang aking tiyo. Kaaway niya ang videoke na dinuduro niya ng barena. May lupa at ugat-ugat pa sa dulo ng barena ngunit kita pa rin ang tilos ng bakal. Nagstatic ang makina. Tuloy ang kantahan, medyo pabulong na nga lang. Todo ngiti(9) pa rin ang mga humahawak ng bote at mikropono. Galit na galit ang tiyo sa videoke.

Mga sipi:
3—Kadalasang mababa ang tingin ko sa mga kantahan at inuman. Kaya nga masaya ang mga gawaing ito dahil aminadong mababaw. Ngunit hindi ganito ang "saya" sa eksenang ito. Payapang uri ng saya. Malapit sa pakiramdam ng piknik sa maaaliwalas na umaga sa ilalim ng malayabong na puno.
9—Hindi ngiting aso. Tamang inumang ngiti. Hindi wholesome pero ngunit hindi kuntodo bangag. Natutuwa talaga sila sa kantahan. Kung natutuwa sila sa tiyo ko, hindi ko alam. Mula sa pagkakapanood ko, parang okey lang. Parang alam nilang naroon siya ngunit talagang ang kanta ang mahalaga sa kanila.

Cat and Cross

Was what it was. You know how it goes,
full moons and intersections.
Only, it was I slain,
Bones won, white from pink flesh.

Black cat out with agimat:
What it forever is.

Inquirer A17

4 UP Los Banos teachers publish own literary works.

Darkfriend

I do not remember this day.

Dorothy Wordsworth
Diary entry
March 17, 1798

Dear Darkfriend, I ask you if you feel. Do you feel it as I do, how She rises from us or how we fall from Her, the She who is bigger than the sun? Bigger than allsuns, Darkfriend. Do you feel how the earth is merely a tear of Hers, and every day of our waking up and walking around describe the arc of an infinite fall? Do you feel this chill sometimes, this chill wholly, that She may have already forgotten She ever cried? That She who is beyond reason and memory and dream may have already denied that She was once lonely? And She cried forth our earth? Now She looks at this world with amusement – do you still feel her, She of the allfun? – as if it were a surprise toy. As if there were any other Kosmos it could come from, any other One Face. As if She was never alone, never will be, and thus never a mother.