Peb 5, 2002

All Apologies, No Justification

I'm being such a difficult person lately. It's a wonder my friends are still there for me. I'm sorry I can't talk freely guys. I owe you much, I know. But I'm trying not too say as much as I did before because I don't know how my words will come out. If I were the normal bitch, I'd probably be very cranky right now, cussing under my breath, devil eyes and all.

But I had to be the weird silent-type jerk. So I have all that, attitude, breath, and eyes, all crushed under my control-freakiness. So I pass off as someone sunk in downers, bubbling at the mouth, froth and all. Wearing a very dumb expression.

But I'm trying to contain it. If I don't give much feedback lately, it's not because I'm not listening. It's because I don't know what shape or tone my words will take if I let them have their way. But I'm listening, really, I am! Despite this dumb look on my face.

Thanks for understanding. I wouldn't know if I'd be just as gracious if we exchanged places. Adversity tells us a lot of things. Sometimes we think if these lessons are really worth it. Aren't they just too costly?

But we get them anyway. Like some consolation prize for losers. This time though, the "prize" consoled me a bit. I'm (somehow perversely) glad that I woke up today thinking that I had such stout-hearted friends.

That lasted for about a full minute. Then I got depressed again because I realized how much of a weird jerk I've been in comparison.

Feeling much like: crushed ginger
Sleeping a lot like: ready-to-cook live catfish
Thinking just like: lazy prawn
Walking much like: ready-to-cook live catfish

...on drugs