Hurt
Nine Inch Nails
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt
i wear my crown of shit
on my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stain of time
the feeling disappears
you are someone else
i am still right here
what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make it hurt
if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
Nob 15, 2003
Nob 12, 2003
Tomorrow
Manana is not my favorite day of the week. This morning, I met this semester's students for the first time. I will peddle my wares again tomorrow.
I slept after the day's work and woke up early evening. There was still no electricity. I was cool enough though with my door and windows open to let the evening in. They also let in mosquitos. With red-peppered limbs, I set a couple of candles up on the desk and read Lu Hsun to the hum of a distant generator. This took about an hour.
I decided to walk before dinner despite the grumbling protest of my stomach. I took a walk to the gym where my co-teachers were dancing Filipiniana. They were practicing for a presentation for the students on the 19th. The movements weren't fine yet but the lithe bodies were clearly on the way there. I was proud of what I saw and I texted my other colleagues on my way to dinner. One of them asked me if I wanted to join. I said no. I thought and believed that I had two left feet. Both of them were cold. I didn't like texting cliches though so I just said that I was afraid to hurt my partner. This was the better truth.
Maybe no was too harsh. Maybe I really wanted to dance. Maybe I wanted something else of me to speak to the students. But what message would I send if I crippled a colleague under my clumsy weight? Sometimes, it is good to want. Sometimes, it is better to desire the suppression of desire. Therefore, no will serve.
I will dance my sales pitch tomorrow. I hope for surer footing.
Dinner is over and, after a while, this entry. In fifteen minutes, I will return to a dark room. My candles will be waiting for my flame. In that flickering light, I will return to Lu Hsun where I left him:
"For our chiefs then were against pessimism. And I, for my part, did not want to infect with the loneliness I had found so bitter those young people who were still dreaming pleasant dreams, just as I had done when young."
Manana is not my favorite day of the week. This morning, I met this semester's students for the first time. I will peddle my wares again tomorrow.
I slept after the day's work and woke up early evening. There was still no electricity. I was cool enough though with my door and windows open to let the evening in. They also let in mosquitos. With red-peppered limbs, I set a couple of candles up on the desk and read Lu Hsun to the hum of a distant generator. This took about an hour.
I decided to walk before dinner despite the grumbling protest of my stomach. I took a walk to the gym where my co-teachers were dancing Filipiniana. They were practicing for a presentation for the students on the 19th. The movements weren't fine yet but the lithe bodies were clearly on the way there. I was proud of what I saw and I texted my other colleagues on my way to dinner. One of them asked me if I wanted to join. I said no. I thought and believed that I had two left feet. Both of them were cold. I didn't like texting cliches though so I just said that I was afraid to hurt my partner. This was the better truth.
Maybe no was too harsh. Maybe I really wanted to dance. Maybe I wanted something else of me to speak to the students. But what message would I send if I crippled a colleague under my clumsy weight? Sometimes, it is good to want. Sometimes, it is better to desire the suppression of desire. Therefore, no will serve.
I will dance my sales pitch tomorrow. I hope for surer footing.
Dinner is over and, after a while, this entry. In fifteen minutes, I will return to a dark room. My candles will be waiting for my flame. In that flickering light, I will return to Lu Hsun where I left him:
"For our chiefs then were against pessimism. And I, for my part, did not want to infect with the loneliness I had found so bitter those young people who were still dreaming pleasant dreams, just as I had done when young."
Nob 4, 2003
Mag-subscribe sa:
Mga Post (Atom)