Nob 12, 2003

Tomorrow

Manana is not my favorite day of the week. This morning, I met this semester's students for the first time. I will peddle my wares again tomorrow.

I slept after the day's work and woke up early evening. There was still no electricity. I was cool enough though with my door and windows open to let the evening in. They also let in mosquitos. With red-peppered limbs, I set a couple of candles up on the desk and read Lu Hsun to the hum of a distant generator. This took about an hour.

I decided to walk before dinner despite the grumbling protest of my stomach. I took a walk to the gym where my co-teachers were dancing Filipiniana. They were practicing for a presentation for the students on the 19th. The movements weren't fine yet but the lithe bodies were clearly on the way there. I was proud of what I saw and I texted my other colleagues on my way to dinner. One of them asked me if I wanted to join. I said no. I thought and believed that I had two left feet. Both of them were cold. I didn't like texting cliches though so I just said that I was afraid to hurt my partner. This was the better truth.

Maybe no was too harsh. Maybe I really wanted to dance. Maybe I wanted something else of me to speak to the students. But what message would I send if I crippled a colleague under my clumsy weight? Sometimes, it is good to want. Sometimes, it is better to desire the suppression of desire. Therefore, no will serve.

I will dance my sales pitch tomorrow. I hope for surer footing.

Dinner is over and, after a while, this entry. In fifteen minutes, I will return to a dark room. My candles will be waiting for my flame. In that flickering light, I will return to Lu Hsun where I left him:

"For our chiefs then were against pessimism. And I, for my part, did not want to infect with the loneliness I had found so bitter those young people who were still dreaming pleasant dreams, just as I had done when young."