Dis 3, 2001

9:52 PM 12/1/01 DARK WOMAN
Strange I should call you that. You are fair, with white and pink skin seemingly always in a state of thaw. As if you long to yield but none can melt you. Dark searching woman, with your secrets always almost said but ever-falling into vague whispers. Falling into the dead of this world.

But this world is blistering with life! You know it! But within you, in the deepest, frozen recesses of your heart, you deny it. Before you sleep at night, there is that instance when you just know that you do not belong here. That life and love is somewhere else. And your life here, though not empty, will always be just a great string of half-joys and compromises.

Tomorrow morning, still in this world's bed, you will dwell on a state half-immersed in dreams and half-surging into waking light. Your thoughts are made to fit the edicts of reality. Then you will wake up. The new day awaits and you live it, making friends, enemies, and strangers of people around you. You fail and achieve in more or less equal measure. You carry on. Most importantly, you survive. Always interested in knowing and becoming, but always distant.

They all matter to you, you know. Except at small moments when you are idle and you forget everything. Also, there are those contemplative times when you take measure of your life and you deal with great warm vats of insecurities. After those moments, a thought swims through you. This, the cold idea that nothing really matters. And every night, an instant will remind you. You do not belong here. Not in this time, not in this place, not among them.

I read you. I don't know why, but I do. I know only of your condition, but I am no portal out of this world. I realize how advantageous it would be for me to let you believe I was! Much more hot-blooded men would jump at the chance. And call me a bloody sentimental fool for not doing so. Or a damn faggot who's ruining everybody else's chance.

But I read you, dark woman.

And I know that somewhere, in that frozen depth of yours where word and thought barely penetrate, I will never matter.