Peb 7, 2002

Through all this, you are everpresent. and I wonder what I have done to deserve the honor.

You move amid the gnawing thought, cold fear, and dark anger that I am usually allied with. These are grim times for me, migraines and eye strains attend me. But you are always there, unbitter pill, warm eye drop. You are as inevitable as the onset of sleep to all thoughts, the falling of the eyelid.

Through all this, you are my companion. You are lovely but I have not shown you much deference. Because beyond the migraine and eye strain, I am profoundly foolish and blind. Yet, in all your states - vapor, thought, fire, ice, liquid, flesh, and dream - you embrace me.

And there, there and nowhere else, as I am thus encompassed, I understand my folly and see my blindness.

I behold you and I know something in the world is right. Although I cannot reconcile how the song can co-exist with the mad din that is the world. But I know there is reason yet to live. The very same reason I can die for someday.

I see you and I know that something in the world is perfect. But I wonder why I am so blessed. I have done nothing to deserve the honor.

***
Reading: Tolkien's "The Two Towers" and Rousseau's "Meditations of a Solitary Walker"

Craving: for Caesar's salad, Inihaw na Liempo, and Ponstan 500.

Thinking: that I am a lucky, undeserving bastard.

Feeling: like a cat on a hot tin roof...

...of a birdcage on a very high pole.