Abr 3, 2004

Lecciones

Magsusulat na naman dapat ako ng pretensyosong kaeklatan dito. Natuwa pa nga ako sa pamagat: 'When Its Alteration Finds'. Hello, the bard? Is that you? Natutuwa rin ako sa premise. May mga nabuo na nga akong linya e, halimbawa:

"I've grown anti-social over the past months, and even now, I find, it's not something I can shake off easily. It's deep, I think. I can't even appreciate the company of people I am anti-social. Thus, self-expunged from anti-society, I'm alone. I think I like it here because I'm not lonely. If people can't take me because I'm not as accommodating as before, well I'm sorry but that's fine, thank you. There is no Self outside of the Other and Others. God or beast, I remember Aristotle. However, with everyone else of the class locked in their private cults of the individual moving circularly in frightful solipsisms and onanisms, I have no one else to really be comfortable with but myself, have I?"

Sure manure. Bilangin ang mga "I" at sabihin sa aking may ibang iniisip yan bukod sa sarili nya. Hindi ko na tinuloy dito yun. Ano ba'ng magagawa kung magandang tanghali bayan ako kahapon? Magaling kasi natapos ko yung pinapaasikasong report sa akin sa RGEP. Syempre lista ako ng mga methods, devices, activities, at problems tapos suggested solutions. Reklamo galore, syempre. Sabay name-drop ala Randy David (Now, isn't that so PoMo? To name-drop the name-dropper?) at makikita mo sa isang coupon bond si Gramsci, Althusser, at Gadamer. Punyemas, Humanities 1 yan no! Oh well, Miss Belle, habang bata pa at pwede pang makalusot na over-eager, di ba? Sayang naipasa ko na. Hihirit pa dapat ako duon ng 'Now, if only the R in RGEP stood for respectable'.

"You are you and I am I. So here we see that maybe we were never friends at all. Else, how could we have dismissed each other so lightly? I will not go so far as to say that a marriage is not a marriage if it divides. It always takes you somewhere else. Liminal, indeed, this thing you're going through. I thought I would be sorry to not go through it with you. Or maybe I am. Wasn't it you who told me that 'man has the endless capacity to deceive himself'? And to deceive himself about deceiving himself. I said 'herself' by way of correction. You knew my pronominal system. I knew yours too. Well, 'knew' could be right, I mean, the past tense."

Tapos, naisipan kong magpula. The Flash pa yung nasa dibdib, akala mo baterya me pakidlat-kidlat pa (still going). Suot ko yun para kapag nagkita kami sa Alabang at pag-uwi ko sa bahay, masasabi kong 'nagmadali ako papunta rito'. Wehehehe butete. Pagdating ko sa UPLB, isa sa kada tatlong tao nakapula. Pagdating ko sa department, pagkapasa ng RGEP shit, sabi ko kay Tita Daisy, 'hay naku Tita Daise, dito talaga sa LB, kung kelan mo maisipang magpula dun ka huwag magpula! Yun din ang iniisip nila!' Ganun din sa itim. May dalawang nakapula na tumawa sa likod ko. Dumiretso ako sa auditorium kung saan sila nagmimiting. Pumirma ako tapos umeskapo. Punyetang mga poseur ang mga faculty. Akala ko, mga writer lang. Wehehe. Iba talaga ang epekto ng ecriture sa isang tao. Oh well, Miss Belle. Kaya isang naka-Flash na kamiseta ang dumiretso sa Alabang.

"No, I would not deny your exalted day or status. I would say rather, marriage indeed, for we saw ourselves, as we truly are in the light of your big day. Marriage indeed. Now at least, separately, we are wedded to the truth about us. I would like to think of hope. Yet hope binds me to pain and future. I cannot have that, not right now. There are things I need to do now which I should do. Or die trying to do. I would like to meditate on keeping faith. Yet faith is a burden of revelations that I have never had the luxury of. Why pretend? So I dismiss Fe, as I did Esperanza, to the confines of some open-ended future. Caridad beckons me though, and I am happy. You told me about her though, partially, though not something I don't yet know of. Siren song, really. I would not have you tie me to some mast matey. I abandon ship. Go set your sails for your open sea. You always were and always will be a better man."

Matagal pala magpuno sa FX. Okay lang kasi hindi naman ako nagmamadali talaga. Medyo dalawang oras akong maaga ngayon. Okay lang kahit isang oras na lang. Wala rin naman akong perang mamili ng libro habang naghihintay. Okay rin kasi maganda yung katabi ko. Ang tutoo, hindi naman siya yung tinitingnan ko, pero yung sinusulat nya. Grabe toxic. Kinokopya nya yung mga mensahe sa cellphone sa isang tickler. At mukhang yun lang ang silbi ng tickler na yun ha! Tapos pati yung mga monosyllabic na 'yap!' at 'kay' sinusulat nya kuntodo oras at date. Walang pangalan. Siguro kasi ang buong tickler na yun ay para lang sa isang tao. Nalungkot naman ako kasi monosyllables lang ang kinokopya nya. Kunsabagay, wala naman sa paramihan yun. E baka naman yung Kay at Yap na yun e mga Ninang at Ninong sa kasal nila. Tsaka, quiet lang ha? Naglilista rin ako ng messages. At hindi lang tickler. Alam nyo yung lagbuk? Yung ginagamit ng mga gwardya para maglista ng mga obserbasyon at para sulatan ng mga kumpisal ng mga shoplifter? Nag-Frantz Fanon muna ako para poseur. Kunwari I'm above eklat tayo sa emotive. Cognitive at conative lang. Teka, nasa RGEP report mode pa rin yata ako sa FX!

"If someone can make it work, it's you. If someone could screw it up for you, that would be me. Maybe we'll change. We never knew who was really right, did we? Parmeneides or Heraclitus? So best wishes all round. I'm off to an embrace where I would be of no ruin to anyone. 'Let me not to the marriage of true minds', I tell you. And also, please, kindly, 'Admit impediments'.

Pagkateriyaki ko, habang naghihintay, syempre booksale muna ako. Mantakin mo ba namang nakatsamba ako ng P85 na Labyrinths! Punyeta, P600 yan sa Fully Booked at P700 pa yata sa Aeon. At sa edisyon na yun, buhay pa si Borges. 'Borges and I' pa lang ang drama niya nun. Kung tama ako, hindi pa nalilimbag yung 'August 25, 1983' na literal suicide niya sa koleksyong Shakespeare's Memory. Maya-maya, dumating na ang maganda. Bungad pa lang tawanan. Tama bang nakapula? At bakit ako pa ang kinurot? Kung hindi siya ang nagpalit, ako ang nagpalit kahit pa labada na yung kamiseta sa bag. Buti nakapagdala siya ng extra-extra kundi mapagkakamalan kaming crew o sumayaw kung saan. Walang hustisya ruon kasi isa lang sa amin ang marunong magluto at isa rin lang ang marunong sumayaw. Pinabasa ko sa kanya ang huling linya sa 'Borges and I'. May baon rin akong xerox ng isang astiging children's book. Oral reading kami. Hay. Maganda talaga ang boses kapag ako ang binabasahan. Kahit pa malat. Nagpa-recopy kami ng mga retrato; nagtawanan; nagpakabundat sa fine dining (bakit, meron bang coarse dining?); nag-Zagu pa pagkatapos (yum kaburgisan, hazelnut cappucino yata yun, halo-halo na sa teriyaki, watermelon shake, mango juice, pescadora, cream of mushroom soup, at tinapay); naghuntahan habang nanunuod ng mga matrona at toddlers nagta-Tae Bo; at naghiwalay para matulog sa kanya-kanyang byahe.

Sabi ko na nga ba, 'good night' e