All the ghosts of my race sighing

December began with two ekphrastic collections by Marne Kilates and will end with a (likely unfinished, surely on-repeat) volume of Cirilo Bautista’s poetry. During this sort of shift, devices and conceits are thrown into stark contrast, one poet immediately (naturally? necessarily?) becomes intertext to the other. 

As I neared the fiftieth page, Bautista takes over completely. Kilates still makes his presence felt, but in another room, rustling and bumping about, not a bother. Bautista provides light here, the sound and the vibe.

It’s the third time I encountered his “Athens, Ohio, One Winter Night”. He read it during a PEN meeting years ago, on the third floor of Manong’s Solidaridad bookshop (these details are so fuzzy, forgive me). Elmer Ordoñez almost immediately published it in the Sunday Times Magazine. Both of these are, likely, the second version. I say likely as I remember the electric blanket, not the lovers, but this is just me, my memory failing. I have the STM page stashed somewhere, but I recall (correctly, I hope) the poem taking up significant print space, and the second version is 70-line strong compared to the first’s reported 17. I say reported, as when I wanted to refresh my memory, I went search engine, and, lo, here’s Marne Kilates on Marjorie Evasco on Cirilo Bautista and the two versions of his Athens.

The poem begins with these three lines: “You never loved me,” a boy outside my window / shouted, breaking the cold crystal night. / “Why should I love you?” a girl shouted back. 

The poet overhears, obsesses, marking himself immediately as other in terms of age, race, wisdom, and passion. As I re-encounter the poem, I move as Cirilo’s other (not entirely oppositional, and not in similar categories or degrees), the first version of myself as listener/reader of the then very much alive Cirilo by now also distant, maybe as today’s I will be to an older, less or more interested, future reader.

I will likely return to these paragraphs to edit (Christmas dinner and a makeshift photobooth are already set downstairs). Above, I concealed my discomfort toward certain conceits that Bautista and Kilates display along with most other Filipino writers, myself included. Maybe when I’m stronger I will share my thoughts. The title though—2/3rds of a line from  “Athens, Ohio, One Winter Night”—will remain untouched.

Loob ng belt bag

Kaninang umaga, habang hinahatid sina Noam, Damian, at Maria, makalampas ang tulay na tinaguriang never-ending bridge, napansin namin ang isang lalaking may edad, light brown ang kamiseta at mas maitim na brown ang pantalon. Pinaghihiwalay ang mga pang-itaas at pang-ibaba ng itim na belt bag. Umaakyat ng Forestry ang matanda, mukhang nakapag-warm-up na sa Freedom Park. Maiigsi ang kanyang mga hakbang at may regularidad ang kumpas: mas mabilis kaysa karaniwang lakad ngunit hindi pa matatawag na jogging, walang gaanong talbog. Gusto ko pa siyang pagmasdan kaso nagmamaneho ako at marami pang ibang naglalakad-lakad na baka mailagay sa peligro. Pinag-usapan namin siya saglit ni Pinky bilang “goals”. “Kamukha siya ni Mr. Miyagi.”

Dati ko nang gustong itala ang aking mga kasalukuyang binabasa. Naumpisahan ko na kina Fantauzzo, Laux, at Ordoñez,  si CJ at ang IBON praymer, at siyempre ang mga zines. Mga marker lang sana ang mga ito para sa mga hinaharap na engkuwentro at muling pagbasa. Sa palagay ko, hudyat si “Mr. Miyagi” upang magdagdag ng mga muhon:

Una kong naiskor ang so we must meet/apart na collab nina Jesa at Vince Imbat. Salamat (sobra!) kina Ava at Jing, may kopya ako ng Everything is First Person ng aming IYAS mentor na si Sir Vince Groyon. Inayos ni Pinky ang pagbili ng Beckoning Baguio ni Sir Ivan at okey lang kahit na-miss ang 10/10 sale ng dalawang araw. Atats e. 

Mukhang nagwo-walking for fitness si manong kaya shoot na agad ang so we must meet/apart kung saan nagsusulatan ang magkaibigan tungkol sa kanilang paglalakad-lakad. Nirerekord nila ang mga layunin, sagabal, at sari-saring obserbasyon habang umuusad sa labas (at dahil mapagnilay, paglalakbay din sa loob). Mukhang ibang-iba ang layunin ni manong (na patuloy kong pinaglalakad paakyat ng bundok ngayon, sa gabi ng aking iisipan). Palagay ko, nagpapahaba ng buhay, nagpapanatili ng nalalabing lakas. Maaaring may 10K step goal. May pagtatapos o kasal dalawa o apat na taon pa sa hinaharap at kailangan siyang makadalo.  

Madali ang 10K step goal para kay E—, ang matalik kong kaibigan, dahil sa trabaho niya sa warehouse. Katunayan, kung nakukulangan ako sa “hakbang pangkalusugan” dahil nakakain ng kotse sa pabalik-balik ng hatid-sundo, mahina kay E— ang 15K steps at inaalala na niya ang lagay ng kanyang paa. Pinag-uusapan namin ang lotion. Pinag-iisipan na niya kung mainam at kakayanin (kasi naman, mamahalin! may warranty!) na wool socks.

Nagbibilang din kaya ng hakbang sina Prop. Ivan at Prop. Vince? Solb na sa relo o... manual count? Kapwa kasi silang umamin sa kani-kanilang mga libro na may kakatwa silang predileksyong magbilang nang magbilang. Nagsimula ang sanaysay ni Ivan na “At Least, Some Charm with Numbers” sa “I have some fascination with basic operations with numbers, which I guess I hope do not lapse into the lunatic. When I am in jeepneys, I count the passengers—lima kami nang umalis sa terminal; may pinick-up na dalawa sa store, pito na; tatlo sa highway, sampu na; dalawa sa Chapis, dose na; siyaman ang jeep, may anim pang bakante sa likod, duwa pay jay sango.” 

“I wouldn’t want to call it a malady” naman ang pambungad na sugnay ni Prop. Vince sa sanaysay niyang “Ock-Ock”. Nakakaasar daw ito habang nagtatagal at napansin ng mga kasama. Nababawasan ang kanyang pokus at pag-intindi sa naririnig o nababasa. Samantala, iniisip ni Prop. Ivan ang konek ng ganitong mga operasyon sa pagiging malikhain, sa likot ng utak.

Paano kaya kung maging lalo pang detalyado ang step counter sa ating relo at mobile? Ano kaya ang makukuha natin sa datos? Sa ngayon medyo abante na nga, nababasa ng app sa phone ni Pinky maging ang incline angle. Kung real-time din ang pagsukat ng BP at tibok ng puso ng relo, aba’y i-synch na sila nang maging treadmill mo na ang mundo! Sa akin, mas mahalaga ang pagbilang ng hakbang at pagkakategorisa ng mga ito, hal., ilan sa mga hakbang ko ngayong araw ang napunta sa pagsasampay ng damit? Sa pagsampa at pagbaba ng mga bag ng bata? Papunta at paalis sa hapag-kainan? Habang may kasama? 

Ilang libo sa mga hakbang ang talagang dedikado sa kalusugan? Ilang daan sa pagtapon ng basura sa labas? Ilang libo-libo ang mga hakbang na hindi inalintana? Samakatwid, ilan ang may kabuluhan, ilan ang walang saysay? Maaaring makatikim pa ako ng pie chart na iyan kung uusad pa ang teknolohiya, mapapahaba ko ang buhay, maitutuwid natin ang lipunan, at maiiiwas ang daigdig sa pagkagunaw: Update: 1,118 of your 9,265 steps were happy.

Loyalty Day 2024

On Thursday we’ll celebrate Loyalty Day in UPLB. This year we began early, Friday, October 4. Before noon the Trade Fair was open.

We now interpret October 10 as the commitment of constituents to the university, hence the parade of units and offices which we mounted a couple of days ago, on a rainy Sunday morning. Like the second semester’s Feb Fair, Loyalty Day is an occasion for alumni to pay a visit and initiate reunions. I understood these during my first year in service. Historical awareness will come later, not immediately.

Today I find the logical link between then (World War I volunteerism) and now (general mirth, pledges of loyalty and unity) best voiced by a post from the Business Affairs Office. 

Well and good, then yes? Our commitment to the university feeds into the university’s service to the nation and the world. Problems arise when we look into the grounds of this commitment, the nature of the service, and the direction of our loyalties. Who decides the nobility of a cause? Who benefits from this public act of volunteerism? Who gains more power, curries greater favor and from which hegemon? Salient questions as certificates of candidacy are filed, our ruling blocs carry the banners (though sometimes veiled, sheathed, or temporarily denied) of their choice foreign patrons (US or China) as they continue to court their favor and vie for domestic popularity. 

On October 13, 2012, Prof. Elmer Ordoñez published “Under the Stacks: Retrieving the forgotten past” an article for the Manila Times and a review of Saul Hofileña Jr.’s book. To illustrate Filipino subservience to the U.S. after 1916, Ordoñez mentions UPLB: “The Faculty and students of the University of the Philippines (Los Baños) volunteered to a man to enlist in the US Army at the start of the First World War. For decades, UP Los Baños celebrated this event as Loyalty Day. They had since come to their senses and called it Arbor Day.” 

While correct, Ordoñez missed two marks. Arbor Day—Tree Planting Day, an acknowledgement of our dependence and need for trees and ecological balance—was pegged at June 25 since 2012. 

1918, 2012, or 2024... 106 years, and we have yet to come to our senses.